What am I doing with my life?

Just yesterday I went to my Primary School Chinese Teacher’s house for a pschool clique gathering. I haven’t seen them in about a year or so, and there have been changes. The guys are all now in university except for one. Qingbin has ORDed, and is taking ACCA. Some people get attached. Two people are flying overseas, one to Beijing and one to Australia. It’s supposed to be come catch up session, but strangely enough I always feel oddly weird.

I guess I have been feeling that way since a long long time ago. I mean, when they reminisce about the old times, somehow I don’t remember them. Perhaps I have been too low a profile. Or I don’t make friends outside my class. But some memories seem to just be forgotten, or actually, to be brutally honest, I wasn’t there in that memory.

Even after we graduated from primary school and go forth to our new lives, the others seem to be able to connect more about past primary schoolmates who are in their respective new schools, or about some guy from one school whom everyone else knows. Hence there is always conversation really, just that I wasn’t included because I don’t know anyone. Or perhaps it’s just the harsh truth. Hey I’m like the only one who ended up in express..and most of them went into the special stream. Somehow I just got detached.

It’s like I was sitting down at the table yesterday feeling lost about all the ongoing conversations. Even conversations that’s not about the old times, I feel lost too. NTU people started saying “Hey I always can’t see you around”. Yes, most of my friends are in NTU. Only two others are in NUS, one in Medicine (Eastern part of NUS), one in Law (in another campus totally). I’m in the western part. We don’t meet, period. That’s the sad truth. But back to the main point, I can’t participate in the conversation, and neither can I say hey I don’t see the rest of the NUS people in school too, because that would be a dumb statement. So I end up feeling lost and just keep quiet. I suppose that’s how it had been last time and that’s how it will be in the future.

If you ask me if this friendship is important to me, I won’t know how to answer. For one, it is really tough to have everyone coming back, and most other people don’t meet up with their primary school friends at all. Just like how I have never seen my secondary school friends before. But to face the reality, we meet once a year, and that meeting probably won’t hurt if it didn’t take place. In a way, though it is something to be treasured, somewhat this friendship is (almost) non existent in nature. Perhaps it has come to a point where it’s just friends de-evolving into mere acquaintances? It’s like I don’t enjoy the company as much as I used to in the past. I just felt a little awkward, almost clumsy.

Friends aside, I’m having trouble with my own pet project. I mean, I created NextTutor last year whilst waiting for admission into NUS. I now have about 270 profiles of tutors, and about 5-7 assignments of which half of them were since February or March. In a way it’s like an utter failure. When my 3 month holiday started, I told myself that I am going to revamp everything. I improved on the programming, as well as the look and feel of the site. I tried adding in new features, and improving existing ones. But somehow within me, something is telling myself, “You can’t do this alone”. And I agree too. It’s too tiring doing this alone, especially when there is not much results. I can’t say no results, because the ad sense money, although slow, is just enough to pay for my hosting fees.

I don’t know if I should continue. I told myself I should launch the tried and tested new version by 1st of July, but I’m not so sure if I’m going to complete it by then. I once had grand plans, to incorporate a new section and hopefully it will gain more traffic. But I’m just tired.

I want to start something up, but all I know is web programming. HTML, CSS, PHP and MySQL. The problem is it is easy to pick up, but hard to master. The standard that I am in, I can’t do freelance work. I can’t do anything at all actually. What can I do? I dream, or actually my friends and I once dreamt of starting our own business, but the partnership fell through because we can’t find anything to do, or anything that’s feasible and approved by everyone. It was an enriching process, but one with no results.

I suppose I can take my experience in setting up NextTutor and set up some web development company that helps small companies do sites, but am I qualified? Working alone is hard. Sometimes, how I wish I have a bunch of friends who are interested in this and can work with me. Working with friends is perhaps more fun than working alone, but I don’t have close friends in that category. Perhaps I will just continue with NextTutor for fun.

I don’t know what I am doing actually. Feeling a little demoralized.

4 thoughts on “What am I doing with my life?

  1. Hmm for me I only know PHP, so I can’t say for sure whether other languages are much better, for one I am too lazy to pick that up knowing that I won’t go into web development as a full time career. PHP for me is pretty easy to pick up, and once I had C/C++ lessons in school, it’s easy to see things in an object oriented way too. For me PHP works well, there are so many things I am still learning now, like MySQL.

    I think starting alone is really difficult. But I guess it feels great when you’ve created something from scratch. I just need to find people to use my work. haha.

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